Wednesday, October 18, 2017

WCC Preview Episode 5: The Mole (Mid-Season Finale)


Ariel Helwani
Coach Ken, the T.C. Titans now stand at 6-0, the only undefeated team in the league.
You're one win away from tying Minh's 7-0 start from 2009.
Is there any nerves to chase history 
and become just the second team in league history to start off 7-0?


Coach Ken
Absolutely no pressure whatsoever.
We don't chase records, we chase Championships.
Right now, the Thundering Herd are standing in our way.
We plan to run through them and show everyone why the Titans are head and shoulders above the rest.


Ariel Helwani
Coach, a lot of your team's success can be attributed to the health of your team.
Every team seems to have loss key players due to injury and the Titans managed to stay healthy thus far.
Some players, seemingly targets of the President. Donald Trump.
Is it possible that President Trump is a Titans fan?


Coach Ken
That is ridiculous, Ariel.
The fact of the matter is, we have a tremendous training staff and we've run the analytics to prevent our players from getting hurt.
These other teams have poor scouting reports and they draft players that are due for an injury.
It's really unfortunate that Aaron Rodgers went down as he was a key component of our Championship run last season.
But, when you leave the Titans, I can't promise you success.
Especially given the fact that he'd be leaving our great training staff.
Aaron did that to himself.


Reporter
Coach Ken, what is your opinion on Donald Trump and the player protests that have taken place this season?
Do you care to comment on the fact that President Trump has threatened to shut down the XFL?

Coach Ken
I have no opinion on President Trump.
And I'd like to keep this conversation about football.
If anyone has any FOOTBALL questions, I'd be happy to answer them.

Reporter
Many players, especially urban players, have expressed that if you aren't against Trump, you're apart of the problem.
Is it safe to say you are apart of the problem?

Coach Ken
I SAID IF YOU HAVE ANY FOOTBALL QUESTIONS...
I WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO ANSWER THEM.
Otherwise, this press conference is over.


Adam Schefter
Coach Ken, my anonymous source says that you have a mole within your organization.
A mole that has been providing inside information to President Trump on which players are vulnerable to attacks and has even gone as far as to make suggestions on which players should be targeted.
Is it same to assume that since none of your players have been targeted by President Trump, that this is in fact true?

Coach Ken
This is a bunch of bullshit.
I resent the fact that we need help from an outside source to be successful.
I run the best Fantasy Football team in the league and it's due to my Coaching ability and player scouting.
There is NO mole.
You need to check your sources!


After the commotion of Coach Ken's press conference is over, Coach Ken's long time advocate, Paul Heyman speaks with Coach Ken.

Paul Heyman
I'm sorry, Ken.
I'm afraid I've put you in a no win situation.
I just found out the Board didn't even think you'd make it out of the draft.
Now that you have...
I learned that at the first sign of trouble...


Coach Ken
Trouble?
What kind of trouble?

Paul Heyman
Lose a game.
They'll fire you.
And turn the team back over to Yoast.

Coach Ken
One game? Just like that?

Paul Heyman
I'm sorry.
I don't know what to tell you.
I guess you're going to have to go undefeated.



The T.C. Titans practice ahead of Sunday's game against the Thundering Herd.


Coach Ken
You think Coach Yoast is going to let the Thundering Herd win on purpose?

Assistant Coach
What?
Why would he do that?

Coach Ken
I don't trust anyone on my staff right now.

Assistant Coach
I thought you said we didn't have a mole problem.


Coach Ken
We might have a mole problem.


Coach Victor
Alright! Alright! Alright!
Listen up.
Last week was tough.
But this week, we have a chance to redeem ourselves!


Coach Victor
This week, we have the T.C. Titans.
Which means... we get a titleshot.
Now these opportunities don't come around very often.
If we're going to make a serious run at the League Championship...
We're going to have to beat the Titans.


Cam Newton
Looks like you're getting the start again, Rook.
You've really been holding it down out there.


Cam Newton
Just don't fuck it up. Rook.

*Commercial*


*Commercial*


Coach Justin
Come on guys, let's not get too down on ourselves.
We still Mark Ingram!
Davante Adams.


T.Y. Hilton
Davante Adams relied entirely on Aaron Rodgers.
And you dropped Frank Gore for no reason!
We're so screwed.
We should've never joined this league.


In rolls Jennifer.


Coach Jennifer
You all sound like a bunch of little bitches!
You think I sacrificed my legs last season to watch the Average Justin's go down without a fight?
You're going to get your asses up and you're going to kick some Permian Panther ass!


Coach Covfefe
What do you think?
You think I should use my waiver priority on Jack Doyle?

Brandon McManus
I don't know... you kind of use your waiver on anything, don't you?

Coach Covfefe
Yeah, but what about Jack Doyle?

Brandon McManus
I don't think anyone wants to add him.

Coach Covfefe
Yeah, but just to be safe? You know?

Brandon McManus
If you want to, Coach.

Coach Covfefe
Okay, I'll do it. Maybe I'll add a few other players as well.

Brandon McManus
Hey... you're not gonna use a waiver on another kicker are you?

Coach Covfefe
....


Narrator
As the Permian Panthers finish up this week's practice.. everyone is focused on the T.C. Titans.
However, some would argue that the league leader in points, Permian Panthers, are the league's true best team.
Had Coach Covfefe elected to delay Antonio Brown's trade to Week 3... the Permian Panthers would stand as the only undefeated team in the league.
A small error has resulted in the Panthers as the league's number 2 team.
But regardless of how you may feel about Covfefe's decision to trade.. one thing is clear.
The Permian Panthers are back.


Narrator
It seems the T.C. Titans and the Permian Panthers are destined to meet at FantasyMania.
The only question is, who will come out on top in their rematch?
And perhaps more importantly..
Who is the greatest Fantasy Manager of all time?
The Cult of Personality?
Or
The Game?


Molly Wood
Welcome back to First Take.
Gentlemen, we continue our conversation of President Trump's funding cut of the XFL.
What is your take on this issue, Max?


Max Kellerman
It's quite simple, Molly.
Putting an end to the XFL is the WORST possible thing the Trump Administration can do.
If you cut the funding, this league cannot go beyond this season.
And what would happen to all of the urban, underprivileged players that play in our league?
They'll be forced to go back to what they know.
They'll go back to the streets.
They'll sell drugs and they'll be menaces to society.
We simply cannot afford to see the XFL disbanded.
The players need the XFL.
Society needs the XFL.
Without this sport, these players will have to let their aggression out somehow.
This will lead to violence and a completely new storyline.
President Trump, I implore you to reconsider your actions.
Do not cut funding to the XFL.


Skip Bayless
Max, I understand your frustration and I think you made some great points.
Yes, I believe that without the XFL, these players will resort to violence, gangs, drugs and go back to "the hood".
But, where I disagree with you, is the simple fact that this is all somehow President Trump's fault.


Skip Bayless
I put the blame directly on Vince McMahon.
Had Vince McMahon kept his mouth shut and left President Trump alone...
All of this could be averted.
We know President Trump's temperament.
He can't stand to lose and he can't stand to be attacked.
Vince McMahon should have conceded and let Trump do his thing.
Trump was in full support of the XFL until "Mr. McMahon" opened his mouth.

Max Kellerman
So we can't hold the President accountable for his lack control?
We have to appease to Trump because he gets angry easily?
This is the leader of the free world, Skip!

Molly Wood
Hold on, let's bring it back in.
We have a special guest with us in the studio today.
Folks, let's see what Ja Rule's thoughts are on this issue.


Ja Rule
I mean, you know what I'm saying?
I think you both made some valid points.
President Trump shouldn't put an end to the XFL because, like Max said, a lot of these players are gonna resort to the streets.
It's what we know, you know what I'm saying?


Ja Rule
But at the same time, you know what I'm saying?
As a man, you gotta stand up for yourself.
You know what I'm saying?
What do you do, when people spit at you?
You gotta clap back, you know what I'm saying?
You gotta take 'em to war.
And I think that's what Trump is doing.
And that's all I'm saying.
You know what I'm saying?


Molly Wood
Very insightful, Ja.
Thank you for that.
Now let's move on to a very important topic.
Coach Ken's T.C. Titans are off to the best start since the Underchucker's 7-0 in 2009.
Are the T.C. Titans the best team of all time?
Is this the best version of Fantasy Managing by Coach Ken?

Stephen A. Smith
Absolutely, Molly.
I picked them to win earlier in the year and I'm standing by my pick.
This is the absolute best team that Coach Ken has ever put together.
And that's saying something.
His Championship rosters included Aaron Rodgers, David Johnson, Le'Veon Bell, Dez Bryant, Julio Jones and Andrew Luck.
But I think this year's team is Coach Ken's prime.
The greatest of all time, Tom Brady.
Leonard Fournette.
Todd Gurley.
Coach Ken is making a serious case as the greatest Fantasy Manager of all time.


Stephen A. Smith
As far as my picks for this week,
I'm taking Sarcastaballs over Stealthy.
Covfefe defeats the Average Justin's.
Mud Dogs over Mustangs.
And Coach Ken retains the WCC Championship.

Max Kellerman
Mean Machine defeats the Sharks.
The Titans retain.
Stealthy over Sarcastaballs.
And the Mustangs defeat the Mud Dogs.

Skip Bayless
I have Joyce's Sharks.
Covfefe's Panthers.
And Coach Rockson continues his rise to the top against Minh's Outlaws.


Coach Rockson
Alright, we've made it to the Top 3... but we haven't made it yet.
We still have a lot of work to do.
Does anyone know why we're in the library right now?

Carlos Hyde
Because our GPAs aren't high enough to play this weekend?

Coach Rockson
Wrong. It's because Google Images brings up these photos when you google "Coach Carter."
But for storyline purposes... we can go with that.


Coach Rockson
The fact is.. we're the #3 ranked team across the league.
But we're still miles behind the Permian Panthers and T.C. Titans.
So we're going to study all night.
Read scouting reports.
Start 'em and Sit 'em articles...
Watch Fantasy Football shows.
Research sleepers.
And especially our sticky pads on our player names.
We need to be prepared for Minh's Outlaws.
Adrian Peterson has brought them new life.
They're the most dangerous team in the league because they have nothing to lose.
I want each and every one of you to study everything there is to know about Adrian Peterson.
And we're not leaving this room until we know everything.


Emmanuel Sanders
Man, fuck this!
We're football players.
We don't read books.
We brought the Flames to 3rd place.
We won all those games!
We put up those Fantasy Points!
We ran all of those suicides.
Not you.
I don't need this.


Coach Rockson
Young man, I'd highly advise that you reconsider what you're saying right now.

Emmanuel Sanders
Fuck you!
And fuck the Flames.

Coach Rockson
Know that if you walk out of that door, you're not just walking out on me.
You're walking out on your team.


Emmanuel Sanders leaves the team.


Coach Rockson
Would anyone else like to join him?


Coach Rockson
Good.
We've got work to do.
FLAMES ON 3!
1-2-3!

The Flames
FLAMES!

*Commercial*


*Commercial*


SCGD
What the hell is this?
2-4?
Coach D'vatto this is unacceptable.
You lost to Justin even after Aaron Rodgers went down?


Coach D'vatto
It's like you, SCGD.
Take all the credit when we win.
But deflect when we lose.

SCGD
What did you say to me?!
If we're going to beat the Mean Machine, I need to know that I can rely on you.
We are way behind the league's top teams.
Coach Ken. Coach Covfefe. Coach Rockson and myself.
The league's only Champions.
They're all at the top.
Where are we?


Coach D'vatto
Well, didn't you say you had a mole inside the Titan's locker room?

SCGD
I did.
I'm not sure he's just my mole though.
He might be a triple agent... working for another party...


Washington D.C.


Assistant
Sign here. Here. And here.


Assistant
President Trump. Our mole is here.

President Trump
Ah yes. Very good.
Bring him in.


President Trump
Haha!
There he is.
The man who will help me bring the XFL down to its knees.
How are you doing today?














































Tom Brady
I'm doing great, Donald.
I'm doing great.


WCC Preview returns in 4 weeks.

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