Earth-415
Narrator
Tucked away in a quiet corner in San Francisco's Bernal Heights,
we open on the exterior of Martha & Bros. Coffee Co.
Narrator
Inside the coffee shop, we find Christopher Parker, a 19 year old college student
who has been working at this establishment over the summer.
Kendrick Stark
So, kid. What do you think?
Can you train on Sunday?
Christopher Parker
I can't this Sunday, I have homework.
But I'm off in an hour, I can meet you at SF State?
Kendrick Stark
I've got a Fantasy Football draft with the West Coast Cousins.
It's an Auction Draft, it's a whole big thing.
Christopher Parker
Fantasy Football? I love Fantasy Football.
Do you think I can join?
Kendrick Stark
Sorry, kid. But we're all full up.
Besides, I don't think any of the guys would feel good
about taking money from a low income high school student.
Christopher Parker
I'm in college, Mr. Stark.
Kendrick Stark
Oh right. Isn't that the same thing?
Christopher Parker
I can hold my own, Mr. Stark.
I watch a lot of football.
Jalen Ramsey's my favorite.
Kendrick Stark
He's out until December, isn't he?
We don't draft defensive players.
Also, is that why you hold on every single play?
..and why is there cream cheese in this breakfast bagel?
Christopher Parker
Oh, that was me.
I was trying to hook you up.
Kendrick Stark
You don't put cream cheese in a breakfast... you know what? Nevermind.
How much do I owe you?
Christopher Parker
It's on the house.
Kendrick Stark
Kid, I'm the richest man in San Francisco.
I don't need a high school student paying for my coffee.
Keep your phone on, I'll be in touch about training.
Christopher Parker
What about Fantasy Football?
Kendrick Stark
You can be an alternate.
But no promises.
We jump to the West Coast Cousins Compound.
Hawkeye
And then he said "I don't care. I poke bears."
Captain Covfefe
Well, we all get ahead of ourselves sometimes.
It's not easy playing in front of the bright lights on the biggest stages.
Hawkeye
Yeah, is that why you lost to Stark in last year's Championship Game?
Captain Covfefe
Hey, we all know how that ended.
Controversial to say the least, but it is what it is.
Speaking of poking bears,
remind me how many Championships you've won, Clint?
Thor Rocksinson
Easy now, boys.
Let's not make this a pissing contest.
What about you, Natasha?
Who are you targeting in this year's draft?
Natasha Sherryoff
Well, I could tell you, Thor... but then I'd have to kill you.
Thor Rocksinson
Ha ha! Kill me?
You know that I am a God, right? And you are just a silly woman.
Natasha Sherryoff
Hey... come on, Thor. We talked about this.
The toxic masculinity is not okay.
Captain Covfefe
Yeah, I'm with Natasha on this, that's not okay, Thor.
Thor Rocksinson
Oh, relax.
It's just a joke, we're all friends here.
Scarlet Joyce
That's not something to joke about, Thor.
Kendrick Stark
Okay, children.
Settle down, the Champ is here.
Hawkeye
Oh... boo!!
Now I wished Cap had won.
We're not gonna hear the end of this.
Kendrick Stark
Well, if you didn't want to hear me talk, you shouldn't have let me win.
Everyone in this room had a chance to stop me, but you couldn't.
Now, as the Undisputed GOAT of the West Coast Cousins,
I'm afraid you're going to have to hear from me all season long.
Natasha Sherryoff
The gloating is going to be too much for me.
Kendrick Stark
It's not gloating if it's true.
J.A.R.V.I.S.
Captain Covfefe.
We have a visitor at the front door.
The audience cheers,
as we find Kevan knocking on the door.
Kevan
Is this the West Coast Cousins Compound?
I was invited... for a.. uh, some sort of Fantasy Draft.
We cut to Wade Vinson and Korg.
Vinpool
Hey there, I'm Wade.
Wade Vinson, or I guess you can call me Vinpool.
Not sure if we're supposed to go by our government name
or our Superhero names at these type of get together's.
But hey, do you mind if I take a look at your cheat sheet before the draft?
Korg
Hey Wade.
My name is Korg and I'm a rock.
Not to be confused with The Rock... or Rocksinson.
And I am actually not in this league, I'm afraid.
But, I do have a cheat sheet for PPR.
Vinpool
Well, Korg. This isn't a PPR league.
So that's not really of much use, is it?
And between me and you, I heard PPR is a dirty word around here.
So I'd keep that sheet to yourself, if I were you.
T'Vincent
Pardon me, what is all of this?
Vinpool
Oh my God! It's the King.
Korg, should we bow?
T'Vincent
Ah.. we don't do that-
Vinpool
Oh I know, I'm just busting your balls.
Besides, I only bow to Satan.
Vinpool
Right. But anyways.
You're the new guy, T'Vincent.
Allow me to clue you in on what's going on.
The Commissioner, he likes to write storylines about Fantasy Football.
They usually have little to nothing to do with actual Fantasy Football,
but hey, he seems to enjoy writing it.
And I heard this season will have even less to do with Fantasy Football.
At least, that's what a little bird told me... or I guess, a big giant X.
T'Vincent gives a confused look.
Vinpool
Yeah, I know. It's a little weird if you ask me.
We all get assigned a character, it's a whole thing.
Think of that Black Mirror episode, 'USS Callister.'
We're all just puppets playing this weird role playing game in his head.
He's a strange guy. We all thought he was done writing these storylines,
but I guess like really good meth, he just can't give it up.
T'Vincent
Okay....
Vinpool
Anyways, do you happen to have a cheat sheet I could borrow?
We cut to Kendrick Stark and Tai Rogers.
Kendrick Stark
Tai.
Captian Covfefe
Kendrick.
Kendrick Stark
I just wanted to congratulate you again, on an incredible season you had last year.
Second place is really quite good.
And I'm sure you won't have any trouble playing for silver again.
Captain Covfefe
Oh? It's gonna be like that, huh?
You seem to be forgetting that Monday Night Football got cancelled.
Kendrick Stark
Well, that's one way of looking at it.
The other one being... that the better man won.
Besides, I think the NFL did the right thing.
Nothing else matters but the health of Damar.
That, and my 4th Championship reign, of course.
You're invited to my ring ceremony, Captain.
Captain Covfefe
I wouldn't get too cocky, if I were you.
You may have won the battle, but this war is certainly not over.
Kendrick Stark
I've heard it all before, Cap.
Last season was your best shot at getting a 4th.
It might just be another 10 years before you make it back to the Championship Game.
Might as well go under the ice again,
because the last time you won a Championship, we were just entering the Third Reich.
If you're not careful, you're gonna let Joyce surpass you as well.
Scarlet Joyce
Don't drag me into this.
This is between you boys.
Captain Covfefe
We'll just have to wait and see what happens, Kendrick.
By the way, Howie Lang, he isn't going to make it to the draft this year.
He's still on house arrest.
Kendrick Stark
Again? Great.
Let me call the kid.
Kendrick Stark
Hey kid. You're in.
Christopher Parker
Mr. Stark? I'm in?
Yes! I'll swing by, you won't be disappointed.
Thank you so-
Kendrick Stark hangs up.
Nick Fury
Ladies and gentlemen.
If I could have you all gather around, I'd like to kick things off.
Welcome to the 15th Season of the West Coast Cousins.
Tonight, we will be doing a Standard Auction Draft with a $200 budget.
12 Player League with a $20 buy-in, top 3 will place in the money.
Any questions?
Vinpool
Yeah, I have a question.
Is it true that a cat that took your eye?
Nick Fury
Alright, if we don't have any questions, we'll proceed.
Vinpool
But I asked a question...
Nick Fury
I recognize that you asked a question, Vinson.
But given that it was a stupid ass question, I've elected to ignore it!
Vinpool
Oh... well that's just rude.
But okay then.
Nick Fury
So with that said, I will open up the Fantasy Draft.
And the first nominee for the 2023 West Coast Cousins Fantasy Draft is...
