West Coast Cousins Fantasy Football: 2016-09-11

CM PUP makes his way to Beach Chalet to make his Ultimate Football Championship debut.

CM PUP throws up a deep pass to start the game,

but Cobrala with the interception!

TOUCHDOWN!

Cobrala destroys CM PUP in his Flag Football Debut 56-6.

[Rogan]

Alright, I'm here with the loser, CM PUP.

CM, you made your long awaited debut at Quarterback in the Sports4Good Flag Football league.

You got destroyed and every team has beaten you badly.

Evidently, fear is a factor for you and you should not be playing Quarterback.

[CM PUP]

I never wanted to join a Flag Football league.

I always said I wasn't ready, but my stupid coaches signed us up anyway.

I wanted to try playing QB, but clearly my team is outclassed in this Flag League.

[Rogan]

Well then, I think the question that's on everyone's mind.

Are you going back to the WCC?

Will you return to Fantasy Football?

Something you're actually good at?

[CM PUP]
Well Joe, I still have 3 more League Games to play.
So believe it or not, I'll be back.
I have no plans to return to the WCC.
If you read the storylines last season, you know that the WCC Universe has collapsed.
I lost in the Championship game and now it's a stupid Dungeons and Dragons storyline that nobody is going to read.

[Rogan]
It's funny you should mention that, because there are rumors going around that the Game of Fantasies storyline may not last the entire season.
They say that someone is trying to bring back the WCC...

Jesse Snow spars with Nick's Fantasy team, but falls short by a mere 1.38 points.

First Ranger, Allister Thorne, scolds Jesse Snow for his debut performance in the Yahoo's Watch.

[Thorne]
1 point from your defense? You fucking bastard.
It's no wonder you finished 10th in the WCC last season.
And you expect to become a Brother of the Yahoo's Watch?
You don't have what it takes to even play in the Public Leagues.

[Lord Commander Tollett]

How'd you do it?

Defeat the Face That Runs the Place?

[Nick Luunister]

It's quite simple really.

I had Gronkowski injured.

With no hamstring, Jesse Snow's fantasy team had no chance.

It's not all about brute and strength.

A more powerful tool, I've found, is your head.

Catelyn Stark arrives at the Yahoo's Watch.

[Nick Luunister]
Lady Stark, to what do we owe the pleasure?

[Catelyn Stark]
Nick Luunister.
Lord Commander Tollett.
I come before you with shocking news.

[Catelyn Stark]
This man.
Nick Luunister along with his Luunister Family, have conspired to kill my son.
Justin Stark.

*Gasp*

The Brothers of the Yahoo's Watch draw their weapons and bring Nick Luunister to Catelyn Stark's custody.

*Commercial*

*Commercial*

Rockson Stark is in the middle of a small council meeting with his advisors.

[Ken Baelish]
I have reports from my Fantasy Team, Lord Stark.
Joyce Targaryen is still alive.
My anonymous sources tell me she was nearly poisoned by a local winemaker but Ser Jorah Mormont was able to prevent the girl from drinking.

[Rockson Stark]
Is that all?

[Ken Baelish]
Well she is 0-1 on the season.
In previous storylines, I would be the new WCC Champion.

King Evan Baratheon walks in on the small council meeting.

[Evan Baratheon]
Lord Stark.
My name day is this weekend.
I demand an extravagant celebration for this event.
Lord Baelish, gather all your resources.
It is the King's Sweet 16.
Have everyone come to Vegas.
I can see it now.
My Birthday party will be so fantastic!

[Rockson Stark]
Your Grace, I'm afraid we there is no budget for your birthday.
With the addition of 2 new Fantasy Managers in this league, there simply isn't enough resources for your party.

[Evan Baratheon]
What did you say to me?
I am the King of West Coasteros.
Protector of the Realm.
YOU are MY hand.
You do as I say.
You follow MY orders.
I ain't gonna say it no mo'.
Put some respeck on my name.

[Rockson Stark]
Be that as it may, Your Grace.
Your father has given me commissioner rights and I have the final call until you become of age.
And I say, there will be no extravagant celebration for your Sweet 16.
We will give you some cake and balloons.
That will be all.

The Queen Mother, Cersei Luunister urges her son to walk away.

[Evan Baratheon]
You are making a VERY big mistake, Rockard Stark.
I AM THE KING!

[Ken Baelish]
But you do not rule, Your Grace.
When the time comes, you will learn to rule West Coasteros.
Until then, you have a lot of learning to do.
I suggest you watch some NFL, maybe then you'll know how fantasy football works.

Rockson Stark and Ken Baelish leave the small council meeting together.

[Ken Baelish]

Do not trouble yourself, Lord Stark.

Evan Baratheon knows nothing of Fantasy Sports.

You are doing him a favor by ruling in his place.

[Rockson Stark]

I am not meant to rule.

I can lead my bannermen, and I can manage my Fantasy Team.

But to commish an entire Fantasy League?

I heard a rumor that the commissioner is supposed to write silly storylines on a weekly basis.

[Ken Baelish]

Those rumors aren't true.

It'd be a terrible waste of time...

[Ken Baelish]

I can see that you don't trust me.

[Rockson Stark]

I'm not quite sure who I can trust in King's Landing.

[Ken Baelish]

I knew your wife, you know.

Catelyn Tully.

Or as she is now referred to, Lady Stark.

She was a great friend of mine. We grew up together.

I hear she opposed your decision to come to King's Landing.

Told you to decline Robert's offer to name you Hand of the King.

[Ned Stark]

She wasn't pleased.

But I owe it to Robert to fulfill my duties to the realm.

[Ken Baelish]

Well, Ned.

I promised Cat that I would help you.

If you're to help rule King's Landing, you'll need to learn a few things.

You see that little boy, playing with sticks?

[Ken Baelish]

One of Varys' birds.

His spies are everywhere.

He's got his ear to the ground, hardly anything goes on without his knowing about it.

[Ken Baelish]

And that man sweeping in the garden?

One of the Queen's.

If you're going to look into her business, you'd best watch your back.

[Ken Baelish]

And that lady pretending to be reading a book?

[Rockson Stark]

One of Varys' or the Queen's?

[Ken Baelish]

She's one of mine.

Is there anyone within your circle that you trust completely?

Someone on your fantasy team, perhaps?

[Rockson Stark]

Yes, Adam Schefter, he's always good for breaking news on my Fantasy team.

[Ken Baelish]

The wiser answer was no, you don't.

If you want answers, I know of a book that'll answer all yours questions about the Queen.

Grand Master Pycelle is in possession of the Family History of King's Landing.

I suggest you take a look.

[Rockson Stark]

Lord Baelish, perhaps I was wrong for mistrusting you.

[Ken Baelish]

Mistrusting me was the wisest thing you've done since arriving in King's Landing.

DTA, Lord Stark.

Don't Trust Anyone.

*Commercial*

[Evan Baratheon]

That damn Rockson Stark.

Who does he think he is?

The Starks..

Why do we need them, mother?

I should be in power.

I will be a CEO one day.

We should kill every single one of the Starks.

[Cersei Luunister]

We cannot kill the Starks because they make up half the league.

They represent the San Francisco cousins.

Without them, there is no West Coasteros.

You will start a rebellion.

A similar conflict once arose over PPR.

It nearly destroyed the league.

The time will come when we can properly deal with the Starks.

Now is not the time.

A good King knows when to save his strength and went to kill his enemies.

[Evan Baratheon]

So you agree?

The Starks are enemies.

[Cersei Luunister]

Everyone who isn't us is an enemy.

[Roose Bolton]

When word gets back to the Luunisters that you've captured Nick Luunister,

you will surely start a war.

[Sidney Stark]

The Luunisters started a war when they tried to murder my brother.

[Roose Bolton]
Well if you're going to do this, I know best how to handle the situation.
My bastard, Howard Snow.
He's played in this Fantasy League before, but I abandoned him after he became inactive.
He's back in my good graces and he will teach Nick Luunister a lesson.
Let Howard deal with Nick.
We will send Nick Luunister back to Cersei.
Piece by piece.

[Howard Snow]

The Imp.

Put him back where he belongs.

[Howard Snow]

Wait. No.

I've changed my mind.

Bring him to my chambers.

My Fantasy Team will surely teach him a lesson.

I'm going to remove his Blake Bortles.

*Commercial*

Back in King's Landing, Ken Baelish escorts Cersei Luunister.

[Cersei Luunister]
I hear you've been spending quite a lot of time with Rockson Stark.

[Ken Baelish]
It would be wise to learn about the new Hand of the King.
He had a decent first week, wouldn't you say?
Outplayed your brother, Tai Luunister.
0-1 start for the former 3x League Champion.
I, on the other hand, beat last season's Champion.

[Cersei Luunister]
You've made quite the run these past few seasons, Ken Baelish.

[Ken Baelish]
Some people are fortunate enough to be gifted 3 Championship titles under inactive seasons and being born into prominent families.
Others have to find their own way, fighting their way through active leagues and waiver priorities.

[Cerisei Luunister]
I heard a song once, about a boy of modest means, found his way into the home of a very prominent family. He loved the eldest daughter. Sadly, she had eyes for another.

[Ken Baelish]
When boys and girls live in the same home. Awkward situations can arise.
Even brothers and sisters develop certain affections.
And when those affections become common knowledge..
Well that is an awkward situation.
Indeed. Especially in a prominent family.
Prominent families often forget a simple truth.