Saturday, October 7, 2017

West Coast Cousins Preview Episode 4: Fire and Fury


President Trump holds a rally to address the XFL protests.

President Trump
I Tried to Be Nice.
I Fully Supported the XFL.
You Can't Say I Didn't.
But Now, What Those Sons of Bitches Did?
That's Where I Draw the Line.
Everyone That Kneeled is a Son of a Bitch.
Vince McMahon is a Son of a Bitch.


President Trump
And I am Warning You Now, Vince McMahon...
If You Do Not Stop These Protests, You Will Be Met With Fire and Fury Like the World Has Never Seen.
You've Angered the American People.
Great, Great Anger.


President Trump
And After Numerous Studies From Brilliant, Brilliant, People.
We've Determined that the XFL is Dangerous.
Players Get Concussions.
They Do Stupid Things.
They Kneel.
That is Why, I Have Decided, Effective Immediately, We Are Cutting Funding to the XFL.


President Trump
Without the Funding of the U.S. Government, the XFL Cannot Continue.
The American People Have Spoken.
Without Our Funding, You Can't Have Your Fancy Little Fantasy Football Games.
The XFL Will Not Go Beyond This Season.
So I Suggest You Wrap Up Your Football Storylines, Vince McMahon.



Coach Jesse
Alright, let's run it again.
Kareem, we need you to go for 20 this week against the Titans.


Narrator
In San Francisco, Coach Jesse and the Mean Machine prepare for the biggest game of the season.
A Championship showdown against the undefeated T.C. Titans.


Coach Jesse
We're off to an okay start. 2-2.
But we can't keep relying on Kareem Hunt.
We need other players to step up.
Not just for this week, but if we're going to make a run at the Championship, we're gonna need some help.


Andrew Luck
Maybe I can be of assistance?


Coach Ken
HARD WORK.
DEDICATION.


Coach Ken
4 HAVE TRIED AND 4 HAVE FAILED.
I WILL NOT STOP UNTIL I AM TBE.


Coach Ken
AS A TEAM, WE ARE PERFECT.
AS AN ORGANIZATION, WE ARE PERFECT.
THERE IS NO TEAM BETTER THAN THE T.C. TITANS.
NOT THE PERMIAN PANTHERS.
NOT THE THUNDERING HERD.
NOT THE SHARKS.
AND CERTAINLY NOT THE MEAN MACHINE.
OUR PRACTICES WILL BE TOUGHER THAN OUR GAMES.
SO THAT ON SUNDAYS, OUR GAMES WILL BE OUR PRACTICES.


Narrator
Behind the coaching lineage of Coach Ken.
Championship DNA runs throughout the T.C. Titans practice.
With some arguing that the T.C. Titans have the best running back tandem in the entire league.


Narrator
With Todd Gurley back in top form, it's no wonder the T.C. Titans are the only undefeated team in the XFL.


Narrator
And with the leadership of arguably the greatest quarterback of all time...
Some wonder if a 5th Championship appearance is imminent.


The team's newest signee, Jaron Brown, attempts to find a connection with his new quarterback.

Jaron Brown
Hey Tom.
I'm Jaron.
I'm the newest member of the T.C Titans.
It's an honor to play with you and I'm hoping we can do big things this year.
Mind if I sit with you?
I'm hoping to learn a few things.


Tom Brady
This seat's taken.


Jaron Brown
By who?


Justin Tucker
Excuse me, buddy.
That's my seat.

*Commercial*


*Commercial*


Molly Wood
Welcome back to First Take.
The number one sports debate show where we talk about politics.
Moving on in the discussion about the XFL Anthem Protests.
Stephen A. what is your opinion on the players protesting against President Trump?


Stephen A. Smith
Well Molly, it's very apparent to me.
These players are using their right to freedom of speech.
They're standing up for what they believe in and I have no problem with it whatsoever.


Skip Bayless
Well Stephen A. that's where we disagree.
I have no problem with American citizens using their right of freedom of speech.
But do not disrespect the flag.
The very foundation in which you have the right to speech, and you're going to use it to disrespect the U.S. Veterans?


Max Kellerman
Well Skip, I think you're missing the point here.
These anthem protests aren't designed in any way, shape or form to disrespect our U.S. Veterans.
They're done so to create a dialogue for the disparity between Inactives and Actives.
Urbans and privileged.
And most importantly, FDT.
Skip, you and I will never understand what it's like to be urban in America.
You and I are privileged, so we have to lower ourselves so that the urbans can have a better chance in America.

Molly Wood
That was uncomfortable.
Let's move on to the games for this week.
Gentlemen, what are you thoughts for this week and how teams have fared thus far?


Stephen A. Smith
Well with the injury to Dalvin Cook, the Permian Panthers are suddenly thin at running back.
As I expected, it seems as if Coach Covfefe has made a terrible mistake in trading Kareem Hunt.
Antonio Brown is a distraction for the Panthers and we're going to see a decline as the season wears on.
I see the Mud Dogs upsetting the Permian Panthers in Week 5.
Thundering Herd destroy the Outlaws.
And surprisingly, I think the Mustangs pick up their first win of the season against the Dak Street Boys.


Skip Bayless
Thin at runningback?
Stephen A. the loss of Dalvin Cook will no doubt hurt, but Covfefe has the most depth at running back of any Fantasy Manager.
The return of Doug Martin and the pickup of LeGarrette Blount has been a fail-safe implemented by Covfefe.
LeGarette Blount who has scored 12 and 15 points during the past 2 weeks...
Dropped by YOUR GUY, the great self-proclaimed "TBE" Coach Ken.
Any other Fantasy Manager will crumbled under the pressure of losing both Kareem Hunt and Dalvin Cook, absolutely gems found in the draft. 
But, we are talking about the real TBE in Coach Covfefe.
Covfefe beats the Mud Dogs going away this Sunday.
I also have the Mean Machine upsetting the T.C. Titans to become the NEW WCC Champion.
The Coyotes beat the Average Justin's
and The Flames crush the rookie Little Giants.


Max Kellerman
I've got the T.C. Titans to remain undefeated.
They've looked like the best team in the XFL and I see no signs of them slowing down.
I'm also taking the Panthers over the Mud Dogs.
And I also believe the Mustangs win against the Sharks.


Narrator
In San Francisco, the Thundering Herd celebrate their 3-1 record placing them in 3rd place a quarter of the way through the season.
A mark that could lead to a FantasyMania appearance by the 4th year Fantasy Manager, Coach Victor.


Coach Victor
For anyone not familiar, this is a football.
But right now, what it represents is a Game Ball.
The Game Ball is given to the biggest play maker of the week.
The biggest difference maker.
And right now, the Game Ball goes to Mr. Cam Newton!


Coach Victor
I put you back into the starting lineup and you didn't disappoint.
You rewarded my genius and you deserve this Game Ball!


Coach Victor
34.04 points and a victory for the Thundering Herd.
You deserve it, Cam.


Coach Victor
But...
You disrespected a female reporter in 2017 and that is simply not okay.
All Females Matter.
Which is why I've decided to go with the hot hand and start the newest member of the Thunder Herd.
Deshaun Watson!


*Commercial*


*Commercial*


Mauro Ranallo
Welcome back to the longest running episodic Fantasy Football blog on the internet!
This is Wednesday Night Preview and what a jam packed Preview we've had thus far.
Earlier tonight, Shinsuke Nickamura was choke slammed to hell by the Big Red Machine.
And I think Shinsuke Nickamura may have honestly died from the impact...


Mauro Ranallo
.... Wait a minute.
What the hell is this?


Mauro Ranallo
Oh my God!
It's the former Chairman of West Coast Cousins Wrestling Division.
Mr. McMahon is here in Houston, Texas!
And I think he's heading out here to the ring!


Mauro Ranallo
He's here! He's really here!
Mr. McMahon is back in the WCC.
President Trump's West Coast Cousins.
The XFL has arrived in the West Coast Cousins.

Corey Graves
But what the hell is he doing here?
Does he even have a ticket?


Mr. McMahon
Surprise. Surprise!
Mr. McMahon standing in a West Coast Cousins Ring.
A ring that I built.
A Fantasy League that I created.
And I know what many of you may be wondering.
What is Vince McMahon doing back, in the West Coast Cousins?


Mr. McMahon
Well I'm here to confront Donald Trump!

*Crowd Cheers*


Mr. McMahon
You see Donald, you and I, we go way back.
You know me very well and I know you just as well.
And you should know, Donald.
When push comes to shove, I won't back down.
Your actions earlier today, your attempt to shut down the XFL?
Cutting my funding?
Well, Donald.
That's a declaration of WAR!

*Crowd Cheers*


Mr. McMahon
So here's what's going to happen, Donald.
Not only will the XFL succeed beyond a year...
But the XFL is going to bankrupt your West Coast Cousins Fantasy League!
And I'm going to take back what is rightfully mine.
Because, Donald...
You are a mentally deranged dotard that is unfit to serve as President of the WCC!


President Trump appears on the Titantron.

*Crowd Boos*

President Trump
Vince... Vince...
Your Politics Bore Me!
Your Demeanor is That of a Pouty Child.
And Apparently, You Alienated My Favorite Quarterback, Tom Brady.


President Trump
Vince, if You Do Indeed Declare War With Me, You Will Be Tested Like Never Before, Rocket Man.
Threaten Me Again, and I will Bathe the Fantasy League in Your Blood.
And Since You Do Not Have a Ticket to WCC Preview, I'm Going to Have to Ask the Fine Police of Houston, Texas to Place You Under Arrest.


Mr. McMahon
Wait a minute... wait just a damn minute!


Mr. McMahon
I'm Mr. McMahon damnit!
Hold on just a second.
Do you know who I am?!



Money begins to fall from the sky.

President Trump
Look Vince.
There Goes the Funding For Your League.

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