We open the season with a shot of a football field.
Westmoor High School, where on Sunday afternoons, Fantasy Football games are decided.
Narrator
On this particular evening, Coach Covfefe is reflecting on his past accomplishments.
Narrator
Three League Championships from 2009-2011.
The first and only three peat in West Coast Cousins Fantasy Football League.
Narrator
A feat so rare, that no other Fantasy Manager in the league has even won back to back Championship titles.
But in 2017, the Permian Panthers have fallen on hard times.
Having failed to reach the Championship game since 2011, fans of the Permian Panthers have grown restless waiting for Coach Tai to rebuild this once promising franchise.
Some even questioning whether or not Coach Covfefe is the right man for the job.
Stephen A. Smith
IT IS TIME TO FIRE COVFEFE
Coach Covfefe can't get it done anymore!
THIS ISN'T 2009.
COACH COVFEFE AND THE PERMIAN PANTHERS HAVEN'T BEEN RELEVANT IN YEARS!
Skip Bayless
Stephen A. that's where you're wrong.
I believe Coach Covfefe still has the magic.
This is the year the Permian Panthers turn it around and become one of the premiere teams in the WCC.
Stephen A. Smith
You're telling me the Panthers will be contenders this year?
You're telling me Covfefe will return to the playoffs?
Skip Bayless
Not only will Covfefe bring the glory days back to the Panthers.
But I am so confident in Covfefe and I am choosing the Permian Panthers to be the 2017 West Coast Cousins League Champions!
Stephen A. Smith
OH MY GOODNESS!
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!
Skip, when are we gonna stop wasting storyline time on the Panthers?
They're no longer important!
This is a 'What have you done for me lately?' league and quite frankly, the Panthers haven't done anything!
It's time we move on from Coach Covfefe.
It's time we shine more light on the Stealthy's of the league.
The Minh's of the league.
We've wasted enough time on the Permian Panthers.
Skip Bayless
Well Stephen A. come Week 14, I will be telling you I told you so.
Covfefe's team is focused and they're ready to return to the limelight.
Stephen A. Smith
Are we watching the same team, Skip Bayless?
Did you watch the Fantasy Draft?
I want to give Covfefe a failing grade for his draft, but if I'm being perfectly honest.
I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and I'll grade his draft as a C.
He had the worst grade of any Fantasy Manager in the league!
My God, Skip Bayless.
He didn't even draft a kicker or a defense!
A very questionable draft strategy, and I don't think it will pay off for him.
The draft consisted of reach after reach for Covfefe
And if he fails again this season, it's time to fire Coach Covfefe from the West Coast Cousins.
We flashback to Covfefe as he prepares his team for Sunday.
Covfefe
Alright everyone. We've got a very tough opponent this Sunday.
Former League Champion, Coach Rockson and the Flames.
Covfefe
We're not to take this team lightly, Coach Rockson is a former World Champion for a reason.
But, we are the Permian Panthers.
History runs through this Fantasy Football team.
When you put on that Panther jersey, I want you to put it on with pride.
I don't care what the media says..
The fact of the matter is, we have a game to win on Sunday.
It's Week 1 boys.
It's time to make a statement.
Coach Rockson
ALRIGHT LISTEN UP, YOU LITTLE MFERS!
This here is a list of players that will be starting on Sunday.
Coach Rockson
If you don't like it, you can get off my team.
I expect nothing but greatness from my Fantasy Team.
If we're to beat the Permian Panthers on Sunday, we're going to have to score more Fantasy points.
And in order to score more Fantasy Points, we're gonna have to run 1003 suicides until we get this right.
Theo Riddick
Suicides? Coach, you have us playing basketball.
Every other team is from like a football movie or something.
Why are we playing basketball?
Coach Rockson
Playing basketball is exactly how we're going to win.
We are unorthodox.
Unpredictable.
Come Sunday, the Permian Panthers won't know what hit them.
Alright, Drew.
Break it down.
Drew Brees
WHO'S GONNA BEAT THE PANTHERS ON SUNDAY?
Flames
WE ARE!
Drew Brees
FLAMES ON 3!
Drew Brees
1-2-3!
Flames
FLAMES!
*Commercial*
*Commercial*
Narrator
Back in San Francisco, a familiar face steps foot in Alcatraz Island.
Known once as the greatest Flag Football Player in Westmoor, The Jesse is now a permanent resident of the City and County of San Francisco Penitentiary System.
His crime? Signing his team up for a Co-Ed Flag Football League.
Lamar Miller
Look at this clown right here.
I heard his Club didn't win a single game in the Co-Ed league.
And the girls on his team, heavily unprepared.
He knew it, and he still signed them up.
Chris Rock
Well I heard he was once a helluva Flag Football player in Westmoor.
Lamar Miller
I hear there's a new guy that's even better.
Chris Rock
Well maybe he can help us out in Fantasy Football.
Lamar Miller
He hasn't been good at Fantasy Football in years.
Coach Jesse
Alright everyone, I'm Coach Jesse and while I'm here, I'm supposed to be the head of this Fantasy Football team.
So I guess, I'll show you guys a few things, set up the lineups, and maybe we'll get to hit some people.
Sammy Watkins
I'm in.
Start me every week, Coach. I got you.
But one question.
Who we playing?
Sarcastaball
Hehehehe!
We may be new to the West Coast Cousins, but we know how to play Fantasy Football.
Are you guys ready to score some points?!
The Little Giants
YEAAAAAH!
Sarcastaballs
Let's get ready to have some fun, beat the Mean Machine and have a great time!
I got you guys all some custom jerseys for the season!
Jay Ajayi
Hey Coach, no offense, but everyone else in the league..
They're a little bigger than us.
Sarcastaballs
Hehehehe!
Well, Jay. It's the size of the heart that matters.
But just in case, I brought in a little help.
In walks Marcus Mariota.
Jay Ajayi
*Giggling with Glee*
MARCUS MARIOTA?!
THAT'S AWESOME!
Marcus Mariota
Hey everyone!
Are we ready to kick some butt and have some fun?
*Commercial*
*Commercial*
Narrator
In the outskirts of San Francisco, a dodgeball team meets before the season opener.
Last season, the Average Jen's shocked the Fantasy World when Jennifer not only held her own, but she also fought her way to the Championship game.
Finishing the season in second place, the Inactive Lives Matter movement was stronger than ever.
Except for the one clause in her contract.
If she were to lose the Championship game, she would be banned from the West Coast Cousins forever.
Coach Jennifer made the ultimate sacrifice.
Fighting for what she believe was right.
The battle for balance within the West Coast Cousins Fantasy Football League.
Despite a successful season, she ultimately failed to achieve her goal.
Sending her away and appointing President Trump as the owner of West Coast Cousins Wrestling Storylines.
Now, a new leader has stepped up to take the reigns of the Fantasy Team.
Justin
Alright everyone, listen up.
I'm very serious about this season.
We have a shot of winning.
We came very close last year.
Narrator
Having renamed the team after it's new leader, the Average Justin's look to reestablish relevancy within the West Coast Cousins.
However, as Justin will soon learn, he'll have to earn the trust of his team before anyone respects him as Fantasy Manager.
T.Y. Hilton
What's the point?
Jennifer is gone.
We were lucky to make it as far as we did last season.
We don't have a legitimate shot this year.
Justin
Oh, yeah?
You don't think we have a shot?
I wouldn't be so sure...
Because I think we're boughta dominate the league.
Because I've got a little trick up my sleeve.
Remember the guy who beat us in the Championship game last season?
Aaron Rodgers walks in.
Aaron Rodgers immediately picks up a dodgeball a sends it flying at T.Y. Hilton.
Aaron Rodgers
DAMNIT!
CATCH THE BALL!
Odell Beckham Jr.
DAMN!
You're telling me, Aaron Rodgers did a reverse Kevin Durant?
Joined the team he beat?
Why would he do that?
Aaron Rodgers
Who's ready to play some dodgeball?
*TSSSSSSSH*
Narrator
In Seattle, Washington, a familiar Fantasy Team prepares for what could be the most difficult challenge of the year.
As a former World Champion, Santa Clara Gold Diggers understands what it takes to win a title on the grandest stage.
With that in mind, the Sharks have taken no shortcuts in their preparation against the defending Champions in Week 1.
Coach D'Amato
We've got a huge obstacle ahead of us on Sunday.
We're entering the lion's den.
We're going to San Francisco to face the Titans.
Coach D'Amato
Make no mistake about it, every single season, the Titans put up a hell of a fight.
They're a hell of a football team.
They're World Champions.
But you know what we are, right?
We're World Champions in our own right.
We've won 2 titles.
They've won 2 titles.
It's a race to see who can get to 3 first.
And when I look around this locker room, I see Champions.
I see Victory.
I will accept nothing less than a victory this Sunday.
And the only way we're gonna be victorious...
Is by doing it together.
Every player in gonna have to put in their share.
Phillip Rivers, Brandin Cooks, Michael Crabtree, Le'Veon Bell, Marshawn Lynch.
Everyone's gotta put in their share.
Everyone's got to work together.
Coach D'Amato takes Le'Veon Bell to the side.
Coach D'Amato
Alright Le'Veon, I'm gonna be frank with you.
The only way we win on Sunday is if you have a monster game.
I look around this locker room and I don't think we stand a chance unless you lead the way.
You're my first pick, Le'Veon.
We can't do it with out you.
You're the best back in the league.
It's all on you.
Team Owner, Santa Clara Gold Diggers takes Coach D'Amato to the side.
SCGD
That was a very inspirational speech, Coach. But what's the game plan?
How do we beat the Titans on Sunday.
Coach D'Amato
We're gonna feed it to Le'Veon.
He's gonna be our workhorse all season long.
SCGD
That's it?
That's your big plan?
That's not good enough, Coach.
I will win another Championship title.
I'm tired of Coach Ken and the Titans getting all the credit.
4 straight Championship appearances...
People forget, I beat Coach Ken in the Championship game two seasons ago.
I got to 2 Championships first.
I've won multiple Yahoo Best Draft Awards.
I've put together the best Fantasy teams in the League for multiple seasons.
And I will go down as the greatest Fantasy Manager in West Coast Cousins.
Coach D'Amato
Well, what do you suggest then?
I am the Coach of the team, right?
SCGD
Yeah, you may be the Coach, but I call all the shots.
That's why I'm not leaving it all on the field.
I've got an inside man on the Titans.
A mole that'll break that team from within.
Coach Ken
Alright, listen up.
I'm Coach Ken and I will be leading this Fantasy Team this season.
I've been to four straight Championship games and I plan on being in a fifth.
If I don't think you can help me get there, you will be cut.
If you get injured, you will be cut.
If I think I can trade your ass for better players, you will be traded.
We are the Titans and I demand perfection.
This is a high class organization, the greatest in the entire West Coast Cousins.
If you do not meet my standards, you will be cut.
Yahoo's current projections have the Titans going 12-1, with the best record and most Fantasy Points in the entire league.
But I'm not satisfied with Yahoo's projections.
I want the Titans to go 13-0.
I want the Titans to crush every single Fantasy Team we face.
Blow outs of the week, every single week.
Do you understand my expectations for the season?
Good.
Starting from the right, yell out your name and position.
Leonard Fournette
Leonard Fournette, running back.
THE Running Back, y'all.
*Team Boos*
Aww yeah, whatever!
Leonard Fournette
Yeah! I'm gonna rush for over 1000 yards, over 12 touchdowns.
I'm gonna show y'all how easy the NFL is.
Coach Ken
Easy? You think playing football is easy?
Leonard Fournette
Yes.
Coach Ken
Yes? Yes sir.
Leonard Fournette
Yes, sir.
I love football, football is easy.
Coach Ken
Easy, sir.
You sure?
Leonard Fournette
I think so?
Coach Ken
Now you thinking.
You think football is still easy?
Leonard Fournette
Uh, yes.
Coach Ken
Yes, sir.
Leonard Fournette
Yes, sir. Ummm..
No. Sir.
Um, it was easy.
Coach Ken
Not anymore though, is it?
Leonard Fournette
No, not easy at all.
Coach Ken
Alright, get your ass back in line, running back.
Ted Ginn Jr.
Ted Ginn Jr.
Quarterback.
The Rest of the Team
Ohhhhhhh....
Coach Ken
Quarterback?
Ted Ginn Jr.
I mean, yeah?
Aaron Rodgers left us for the Average Justin's.
Who else we got?
How do you top Aaron Rodgers?
Coach Ken
Don't worry about that, Teddy.
I got the Quarterback position handled.
.....
Sunshine!
Tom Brady walks in.
Tom Brady
Shall we begin?
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